The Yoga of War - A Satire|
by John Spiri
I have traveled across the planet to present to you the
teachings of the Venerable Paramahasana Rumseldananda,
a master of the yoga of war. Rumsfeldananda's lineage predates
the Vikings and assorted mercenaries of ancient times. They passed secret rituals from
slave ship captain to slave ship captain, and were
perfected by Columbus. Now thanks to technology they travel around the world
more freely. They develop bombs to bring peace, prosperty, and dominance for military elites.
First I will teach you some basic asanas or yoga postures. Please stand.
Here's the strangle-the-leaders-of-other-countries posture. Try it. Grit your teeth. But be
sure to only use it on non-Rumsfeldananda (mooo) countries.
Next try the drop-bombs-on-undisclosed-arab-targets pose. It may also be used on pests such as North Korea.
Now let us try basic pranayama, or yogic breathing. Basically, breathe in hate - breathe out anger.
It is very simple: just breathe in hate and breathe out anger over and over. When your thinking is numb,
you have reached a good yogic state.
The Yoga of War involves many powerful, mind-manipulating mantras. Here is an auspicious one:
We will kill your leader
The UN is irrelevant
Saddam tried to kill my daddy
Resistence is futile... Mooo
Visualization is a powerful way to get results. So
please close your eyes and imagine the scene I
describe as clearly as possible:
Bombs are raining down on an undisclosed Arab country. Imagine brave, good-guy generals and high-ranking
officers dealing with all sorts of hardships to make the world free: large scale demonstrations for peace,
broken-down air conditioners at mission control centres, al Jazeera counting the dead civilians and
showing pictures of their mutilations, deaths, and broken lives, President Jaques Chirac . . .
Vividly imagine everything getting bombed — soldiers, ancient mountain caves, water
treatment plants, the Chinese embassies — imagine rivers
of blood, children screaming and mothers crying . . . and
at the same time, imagine the well-fed families of a big
weapons manufacturer, all of them licking sweet Haägendas ice
cream while on a Disney vacation, patriotic flags flopping in the breeze.
The yoga of war also utilizes many old-fashioned curses:
Double, double trouble and toil
Get a new leader or we will take your OIL!
The Yoga of War has also uncovered the original, more
devious lyrics to John Lenon's classic about peace. It went:
Everyone's talking 'bout bombing Baghdad, Tripoli, the Lebanese, and Sudanese . . .
All we are saying is give war a chance.
Yes indeed! After all, what else is there to say? All the peacenik,
hippie, commie, faggots just never really gave war a proper chance. Argh - it jest ain't fair!
We all know Saddam is really super-evil. Da Bush Boy
has told us this. Of course, ten years ago, before he
suddenly became evil, Daddy George Bush and Donald Duck
Rumsfeld were his best friends. They often met 'n mated while chatting about golf scores, fashion trends, and best way to make poison gas. That's right,
Rumsfeldanada (mooo) actually sold him poison gas
and weapons to kill his own people and to attack Iran. Of course they never meant for him to
kill innocent people; they had been informed that Baghdad had a very bad cockroach problem.
Speaking of evil, I read that Osama bin Laden is being
treated for depression. After all, he was tops on the
world stage, the world's most hated man, hiding in
caves, making secretly encoded videos that the US
subsequently needed to censor to protect our precious freedoms
such as free speech.
Now where is he? Who is he? The bounty on his head is
just a fraction of Saddam's! And when was the last
time you heard Sharon threatening to liquidate him?
Evil people like Saddam and bin Laden kill innocent
people, but Rumseldanada's (mooo) don't. Yep I know, I
know, there have been some reports from the
ultra-liberal, leftist, commie media about Afghans and
Iraqis being killed while celebrating weddings.
Clearly, the guests were to blame. They never should
have been exploding those champagne corks. POP! POP!
That left "our boys" no alternative other than to annhilate
the revelers. And don't believe those reports about
Rumsfeldananda's (mooo) weapons causing cancer or
Gulf War syndrome — no research has ever proven that
weapons made from nuclear waste (such as depleted
uranium weapons) cause any cancer.
It's an upside world.